06.30.2013 -- I have been thinking about this a while. When the caseworker came by a few days ago to do her monthly visit she told me that the mother had not bonded with the child. Oh really, I thought what mother doesn't bond with a newborn in just a few days. I certainly have bonded with her. So at this point I am thinking of seeing if I can get full custody of my precious almost 8 month old granddaughter. I will start on Monday to see what I can do.

06.26.2013 -- When my son first "hooked" up with his bride he was smitten. He would call me up saying how much in love he was. He was determined to make this relationship work. Then he started telling me he wanted to get married. I protested, you don't know each other well enough. Get engaged have at least a year engagement. No he wanted to marry, buy a house and the whole nine yards. I'd ask if they had lost their fucking minds. We know what we are doing. Within weeks of the hooking up he had bought her an engagement ring. Or at least I thought he had, they never paid for it. About a year later the jewelry store would have his wages garnished. She is still wearing the ring. I wouldn't want to look down at my finger and see a ring that was stolen. In all they waited to Feb to marry.  Then it started. Her insecurities started popping out. When he went to the closing on the house, because her credit was horrid he took me. She was so jealous and told him so. I didn't know what to say about that.
Then she stopped our once weekly luncheon dates, again jealously. Then made sure our almost daily phone calls stopped. She was slowly eating my sons soul.
Unknown to me he was getting addicted to opiates.  I would notice his slurred voice. He would tell me I was losing my hearing, or he was tired. He started not answering the phone when I called him.
One visit my husband had with them she fixed a lovely dinner. We ate and sat down to watch a movie, almost immediately the slurring began. My husband got up and left.

06.21.2013 -- I had I long conversation with the widow yesterday. She is suppose to be entering rehab today. We talked about a lot of things. What struck me the most when we were talking about my son's drug addiction was when I brought up the fact that I thought of his addiction was so bad and so long  why he had not taken my prescription for Lortabs that I had got when I was dog bit. It was in 2009 and sat on my dresser in all those years. 17 and half tablets. She said he was not a thief. Apparently she did not know her husband of 15 months very well. He was indeed a thief. I have witness quite a few times he took things. Two times he took shirts from goodwill, he took a bike and a dehumidifier from a vacant house, he stole frozen yogurt from a shop near their home. I could bet her I could find at least 20 objects that belonged  to me in their home. He always took things from me. I guess  you could call that thief. He could of asked for them and I would have probably given it to him. If he took it without my permission I would call it thief.

06.20.2013 -- I like to pretend I am all-right and when I am occupied I m Taking care of the baby, washing dishes doing any type of house work I do pretty good. I am so exhausted by nightime I almost fall asleep instantly. But in the early hours of the morning it is not like that. Thoughts of my son enter my mind. I can't get them to leave. He is always there lingering in my mind. It is at the start of a new day. Needless to say I have a hard time going back to sleep. And thus begins a new day of exhaustion.

06.15.2013 -- tomorrow would have been my sons first father's day. His daughter is so beautiful and sweet. I can read her cues now. I can tell what she wants or needs. Her mother is spending the insurance money like crazy. She bought the baby stuff she doesn't need. A plastic toy cellphone, a plastic toy computer, a stuff animal with flashing lights. None of it appropriate. She doesn't need to be amused to death. Seems to me with flashing lights it could be harmful for the baby. I am tempted to say something but I won't. I will just keep them put aside. A baby is truly happy with a muffin pan and a wooden spoon. Let her make her own noise. A baby monitor, what the hell is it needed for, if the parent can't be attentive enough to hear his or her own baby maybe they don't need the baby. No one should be in a stupor where they can't hear the baby cry.

05.04.2013 -- Another day and we were reminded of when son decided he wanted his own food at Picadilly Cafeteria. We had been sharing an adult plate. I cannot recall what age he was.

06.04.2013 --- sometimes the pain is unexplainable, unbearable. The first thing I think of when I wake up is my son. A memory will creep in and stay with me a while. He is not going to call today. It overtakes me. A few hours of that and then the baby awkes and my mind is refreshed. Yesterday she decided it was incredibly funny that I moved my head from left to right. Actually laughing out loud. She is reaching up to me when I take her out of her bed. Always smiling. I want to keep her. I am afraid of her going back to her mother. Afraid for her and afraid for me. I want my old life back but it will never be there. A giant hole persists. Nothing will be able to fill it.

I have been seeking forgiveness. I really want my heart to not feel the anger and hate that sometimes creeps in. It only hurts me. Nothing will bring my baby back, I am making headway. There are so many reminders of him in this house. No drawer, closet or wall is absent of his presence. I am tearing up as I write this.

In the middle 2000's he and a friend gave me a dog. Son had visited us at our summer home and decided we needed a dog. I finally gave in after resisting. Son  and his girlfriend and I went to pick a pup out of a litter of 8. We all separately picked the same dog. Brought him home and started to train him. Years later this is the best dog in the world. I mentioned my son's name. Dog got very excited about it. Looking around for son, barking and dancing.

06.03.2013 -- The widow got her insurance check sometime this past week. I didn't ask how much. As i go through the days memories of my son keep popping in my head. My memories of him are mostly of a child. Although he lived with us most of his life. On my desk here sits a caddy of pencils, pens and other office tools. There is one pencil that has never been sharpened. One christmas someone gave him a case of pencils with ball team inscriptions. This pencil here is for the padres. He loved baseball and was an excellent ball player himself. I didn't get to go to a lot of his games. I works nights at that particular time. He broke his leg sliding into second base. By then I was working day shift.

The baby is doing well. At 9:15 I went in to check on her and she was quietly playing with her baby doll in her bed. I wonder how often she does that. Plays for a while before hollering wanting her breakfast. It probably comes from the days she knew it would not do any good to cry. I think she knows now if she cries I will be there in a few seconds.