08-09-2012
It has been a while since I last posted. My computer died and well just not got round to it. Mom had a court hearing which she hoped to regain custody of her children. I had an altercation in the hallway with her idiot sister. Sister told her that I said I blamed her for the death of my son. I did no such thing. I said my son would be still alive had he not got involved with her. Mom told her lawyer I said it to her. Note to self. Record all conversations with mom and her family.
Anyway after arguing with the judge, caseworker her lawyer was shot down. The judge more or less said BULLSHIT. and reassigned the case to a month away.

06.31.2013 -- I was able to pull the last message from my son from my telephone provider. I have it on my desktop and listen to it daily, just to hear his voice one last time. Two days before he died he and his wife came by here, they weren't suppose to, there is a protected order on the baby. He was in a rage, obvious messed up on drugs. I told him he wasn't suppose to be here. He dared me to call the cops. I decided, when he left I was done with him. The next day was his bride's birthday and I had told him I would go to dinner with them. I avoided the calls all day. Never answering. In his last message he is messed up. Starts off going to wish me a happy birthday. In the call he said 5 times he loved me.

07.08.2013 -- Last Monday was my 60th birthday. The first one to miss with my son in 34 years. His absense was felt.
After I did some research on Xanax I started trying to find out About Oxycontin. The drug that killed him. Again he kept it well hidden from me. Oxycodine, Perocet, Hydrocodene, they are all the same as Heroin. It takes about two weeks of taking this crap before your body starts to crave it. Two weeks and that is all you think of. You don't care about paying your bills. You don't care about your family, in fact you avoid them. Least that they may discover your nasty little secret and take away your lover. You never can get her to let go of her grip. She has got you.

06.30.2013 -- I have been thinking about this a while. When the caseworker came by a few days ago to do her monthly visit she told me that the mother had not bonded with the child. Oh really, I thought what mother doesn't bond with a newborn in just a few days. I certainly have bonded with her. So at this point I am thinking of seeing if I can get full custody of my precious almost 8 month old granddaughter. I will start on Monday to see what I can do.

06.26.2013 -- When my son first "hooked" up with his bride he was smitten. He would call me up saying how much in love he was. He was determined to make this relationship work. Then he started telling me he wanted to get married. I protested, you don't know each other well enough. Get engaged have at least a year engagement. No he wanted to marry, buy a house and the whole nine yards. I'd ask if they had lost their fucking minds. We know what we are doing. Within weeks of the hooking up he had bought her an engagement ring. Or at least I thought he had, they never paid for it. About a year later the jewelry store would have his wages garnished. She is still wearing the ring. I wouldn't want to look down at my finger and see a ring that was stolen. In all they waited to Feb to marry.  Then it started. Her insecurities started popping out. When he went to the closing on the house, because her credit was horrid he took me. She was so jealous and told him so. I didn't know what to say about that.
Then she stopped our once weekly luncheon dates, again jealously. Then made sure our almost daily phone calls stopped. She was slowly eating my sons soul.
Unknown to me he was getting addicted to opiates.  I would notice his slurred voice. He would tell me I was losing my hearing, or he was tired. He started not answering the phone when I called him.
One visit my husband had with them she fixed a lovely dinner. We ate and sat down to watch a movie, almost immediately the slurring began. My husband got up and left.

06.21.2013 -- I had I long conversation with the widow yesterday. She is suppose to be entering rehab today. We talked about a lot of things. What struck me the most when we were talking about my son's drug addiction was when I brought up the fact that I thought of his addiction was so bad and so long  why he had not taken my prescription for Lortabs that I had got when I was dog bit. It was in 2009 and sat on my dresser in all those years. 17 and half tablets. She said he was not a thief. Apparently she did not know her husband of 15 months very well. He was indeed a thief. I have witness quite a few times he took things. Two times he took shirts from goodwill, he took a bike and a dehumidifier from a vacant house, he stole frozen yogurt from a shop near their home. I could bet her I could find at least 20 objects that belonged  to me in their home. He always took things from me. I guess  you could call that thief. He could of asked for them and I would have probably given it to him. If he took it without my permission I would call it thief.

06.20.2013 -- I like to pretend I am all-right and when I am occupied I m Taking care of the baby, washing dishes doing any type of house work I do pretty good. I am so exhausted by nightime I almost fall asleep instantly. But in the early hours of the morning it is not like that. Thoughts of my son enter my mind. I can't get them to leave. He is always there lingering in my mind. It is at the start of a new day. Needless to say I have a hard time going back to sleep. And thus begins a new day of exhaustion.

06.15.2013 -- tomorrow would have been my sons first father's day. His daughter is so beautiful and sweet. I can read her cues now. I can tell what she wants or needs. Her mother is spending the insurance money like crazy. She bought the baby stuff she doesn't need. A plastic toy cellphone, a plastic toy computer, a stuff animal with flashing lights. None of it appropriate. She doesn't need to be amused to death. Seems to me with flashing lights it could be harmful for the baby. I am tempted to say something but I won't. I will just keep them put aside. A baby is truly happy with a muffin pan and a wooden spoon. Let her make her own noise. A baby monitor, what the hell is it needed for, if the parent can't be attentive enough to hear his or her own baby maybe they don't need the baby. No one should be in a stupor where they can't hear the baby cry.

05.04.2013 -- Another day and we were reminded of when son decided he wanted his own food at Picadilly Cafeteria. We had been sharing an adult plate. I cannot recall what age he was.

06.04.2013 --- sometimes the pain is unexplainable, unbearable. The first thing I think of when I wake up is my son. A memory will creep in and stay with me a while. He is not going to call today. It overtakes me. A few hours of that and then the baby awkes and my mind is refreshed. Yesterday she decided it was incredibly funny that I moved my head from left to right. Actually laughing out loud. She is reaching up to me when I take her out of her bed. Always smiling. I want to keep her. I am afraid of her going back to her mother. Afraid for her and afraid for me. I want my old life back but it will never be there. A giant hole persists. Nothing will be able to fill it.

I have been seeking forgiveness. I really want my heart to not feel the anger and hate that sometimes creeps in. It only hurts me. Nothing will bring my baby back, I am making headway. There are so many reminders of him in this house. No drawer, closet or wall is absent of his presence. I am tearing up as I write this.

In the middle 2000's he and a friend gave me a dog. Son had visited us at our summer home and decided we needed a dog. I finally gave in after resisting. Son  and his girlfriend and I went to pick a pup out of a litter of 8. We all separately picked the same dog. Brought him home and started to train him. Years later this is the best dog in the world. I mentioned my son's name. Dog got very excited about it. Looking around for son, barking and dancing.

06.03.2013 -- The widow got her insurance check sometime this past week. I didn't ask how much. As i go through the days memories of my son keep popping in my head. My memories of him are mostly of a child. Although he lived with us most of his life. On my desk here sits a caddy of pencils, pens and other office tools. There is one pencil that has never been sharpened. One christmas someone gave him a case of pencils with ball team inscriptions. This pencil here is for the padres. He loved baseball and was an excellent ball player himself. I didn't get to go to a lot of his games. I works nights at that particular time. He broke his leg sliding into second base. By then I was working day shift.

The baby is doing well. At 9:15 I went in to check on her and she was quietly playing with her baby doll in her bed. I wonder how often she does that. Plays for a while before hollering wanting her breakfast. It probably comes from the days she knew it would not do any good to cry. I think she knows now if she cries I will be there in a few seconds.

05-31-2012 -- There was other problems as well. My son had a temper. I had twice had to call the law on him for fear of my own life. Most of the time he was very sweet. Looking back now I am thinking these were times he was on drugs. In Feb. he was in a rage. The wife called us and screamed. I told husband we needed to go now. When we got to the house she was locked in the bathroom with her two older daughters. Son had knocked her veneer off her tooth. Had grabbed her around the neck. We tried to get him to leave, he wouldn't go. He wouldn't let us get the baby. Finally when he realized the cops were on the way husband got him out of the house. The cops came interviewed the wife, the older kids and me. They left and son returned. Again tried to get him to leave. We took the wife and the kids to a motel ad left them there. A few hours later cops showed up at my home and wanted to know where she was. They went to interview her again and went back to son's house and arrested him. 8 charges. Wife went to  doctor the next day and got more meds to abuse. He had a protective order placed on him, not to be around the wife or kids. He stayed with us a week or so and then she begged him to come back. I kept telling him he was risking so much for something so little. Didn't do any good. He would find no logic in that. They thought they were smarter than the law, more clever. Exempt from the law. DFACS was already involved. Oh Lord if I had the foresight I now have in hindsight I maybe could have done something. The drug use became worse.
Some more calls from debt collectors. I gave one of them the widow's phone number.

05.29.2013 -- we took our granddaughter to the pediatric cardiologist today for a checkup. She has a slight heart murmur. She was good. But suddenly got very sleepy.

05.30.2013 -- The debt collectors are starting to call. We have had one everyday this week. Two today. My son had always paid his bills. When the drugs started taking him he stopped paying them. I know he owed American Express a buttload of money. The ring his widow wears wasn't paid for. The car payment has not been paid.

05.31.2012 -- Another debt collector just called. This one stayed on the line long enough for me to make clear tht he was deceased. I asked her to quit calling, he was not going to come back to life and I gave her the widow's number. Grand daughter did not feel good yesterday. She was fussy. She ate well and played good. Her little mouth was hurting.

05.28.2012 -- A friend called today to see how we were doing. I am doing well. I still miss my son so much that my heart just breaks. He was smart, he had so much potential. He could have done great things. Secretly, I have missed him for a while. He was gone long before his body died. On the thursday before he died he came to my house. He and his wife had a court order to stay away from the baby. He was in a rage. Going through his room looking for something. He was grabbing things that was not his. Lifting the tiles of the ceiling panels looking for the unknown. I told him that he needed to go. He shouldn't be here. He dared me to call the law. I was terrified. He wanted to see the baby, he woke her and she started crying. Go now. I grabbed her and took her into my room locking two doors behind me. They left. I told my husband that I could no longer be a part of this. I was done. I cried. I would not talk to him on the phone.  I could no longer deal with this in any manner. Out of the backseat the tiny voice of my infant grand-daughter "I'm good".

05.27.2013 -- saw today that the widow enjoyed some time at the lake this weekend. Gee, it must be nice to not have a care in the world. Here I am taking care of oneof herchildren while the paternal grandmother takes care of the other two. No worries, the merry widow.
I found some old stuffed animals that belonged to my son, yesterday. I am still looking for the cute little pink pig I bought him before he was born. I found a pink pig but it was a puppet, not the same one. I miss him so very much.

The drugs my son was taking destroyed his mind. He lost all sense of everything. He quit, actually mutual agreement, his great job. Because he could not be bothered to go to work.  He blamed it on his inability to sleep. Which was why he got one of the drugs. Xanax. It made you not care. About anything. What they planned on doing is beyond me. the house was in forclosure, two cars had been repoed. One my husband bailed out with the promise to pay him back, ha, that never happened! He gave them 1500$ only 800 was used for the car the rest was used for who knows what. The water was cut off, the widow had the cable turned back on. My husband again had to pay to have the water cut back on. I just don't understand.

05.27.2013 -- Last night one of my son's friends called to see how we are doing and to check on the grandbaby. I told him we were doing as well as can be expected. Not really. I was going through some things in grandbaby's room. I came across two pictures of my son. He was so handsome, always smiling, a happy kid. I showed one of them to granddaughter: "That's your daddy, when he was a little boy" I am so sad that she will never know him and feel the love he had for her.