06.04.2013 --- sometimes the pain is unexplainable, unbearable. The first thing I think of when I wake up is my son. A memory will creep in and stay with me a while. He is not going to call today. It overtakes me. A few hours of that and then the baby awkes and my mind is refreshed. Yesterday she decided it was incredibly funny that I moved my head from left to right. Actually laughing out loud. She is reaching up to me when I take her out of her bed. Always smiling. I want to keep her. I am afraid of her going back to her mother. Afraid for her and afraid for me. I want my old life back but it will never be there. A giant hole persists. Nothing will be able to fill it.

I have been seeking forgiveness. I really want my heart to not feel the anger and hate that sometimes creeps in. It only hurts me. Nothing will bring my baby back, I am making headway. There are so many reminders of him in this house. No drawer, closet or wall is absent of his presence. I am tearing up as I write this.

In the middle 2000's he and a friend gave me a dog. Son had visited us at our summer home and decided we needed a dog. I finally gave in after resisting. Son  and his girlfriend and I went to pick a pup out of a litter of 8. We all separately picked the same dog. Brought him home and started to train him. Years later this is the best dog in the world. I mentioned my son's name. Dog got very excited about it. Looking around for son, barking and dancing.